The first Thanksgiving. The first Chanukah. The first Christmas. The first holiday without a loved one can feel overwhelming. In fact, celebration may not be a word you can use this year. Instead, you may be asking yourself, “How will I make it through this most difficult time of year?”
Grief can also return during the holiday season, even if you lost a loved one years or even decades ago.
Start your planning by setting realistic expectations for yourself. Recognize that as a recently bereaved person, you probably will not be able to function at your usual level. Consider which activities are truly meaningful and enjoyable for you. You may reduce stress by eliminating or reassigning some of these activities to others. The predictability of traditions may offer a comforting structure to your holiday routine, or you may want to start new traditions. Above all, remember that your situation is unique. What works for someone else may not feel right for you, just as your ideas for coping may not appeal to someone else. Trust yourself. If it makes holidays and the special days more bearable for you, then do it your way.
Grieving people often tell us that parties and presents all seem meaningless, even painful at times. In fact, you may find yourself feeling angry or resentful as you observe others involved in their usual traditions. Whether you’re dealing with a recent loss or one that occurred in the more distant past, it may help to join a grief support group or see a mental health counselor who specializes in grief.
Center for Hospice Care offers a variety of grief and bereavement services to help you through this difficult process. You don’t have to go through this alone. We have licensed counselors and trained volunteers who provide services to help you cope with the many grief reactions you can experience.
Our grief and bereavement programs are available at no charge to anyone in Center for Hospice Care’s nine-county service area. We offer individual, family, and group counseling for children, teens and adults as well as additional grief programs. To learn more visit cfhcare.org/bereavement or call the Life Transition Center at 574-255-1064 for more information.
Here are some practical tips from the staff at our Joel and Elizabeth Life Transition Center on how to handle the holidays:
- Remember that the anticipation of the holiday without your loved one is usually more difficult than the actual holiday.
- Acknowledge that, as you grieve, you are not functioning at full capacity.
- Realize that you define your expectations and determine what is most meaningful and what you are comfortable with.
- It is alright to keep your holidays the same as in the past or give yourself permission to change them based on your needs.
- Make your needs known to family members. You may need to say it more than once to be heard.
- Plan ahead for family gatherings; if possible, schedule a family meeting to discuss personal choices that will help everyone.
- Remember that each family member is struggling with their own grief.
- Avoid overindulgence in alcohol, drugs, caffeine or sugar. Get adequate rest and exercise.
- Talk about your feelings with supportive, comforting people. Remember, tears are healing.
- Don’t be afraid to enjoy the good things in life.
And what about when the holidays are over? It can take a lot of energy just to get through the holidays. And then in January when the slow-down and quiet comes, you may be asking yourself that same question: “WHAT NOW?” “How do I face these next months?” As people living in northern Indiana, we may dread the long, cold winter months ahead. We have fewer hours of sunlight and spend more time indoors.
Instead of feeling a sense of dread, what if we receive this “down time” as a gift to our bodies and minds to allow adequate time to heal from the pain of loss? As in the seasons of nature, the dormant period of winter provides the natural opportunity to anticipate the new season of spring, of new growth, new life, and new beginnings. Might we use this time to nurture ourselves, to listen to our inner longings and recognize the potential for healing and growth?
Just as we have the promise of spring after the harshness of winter, we who grieve can find comfort in knowing that we will survive, and that strength can follow suffering. Indeed, at the core of our being is a resiliency to go on with life.